Today there was an article in the tabloid the Daily Mirror, accompanied by two pictures. One picture of Kate Moss and the other picture, a young girl smiling. The girl was wearing a t-shirt with the slogan 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels'. Just one of the more insightful, wise, and profound soundbites to come from Moss' mouth in recent times. But lets not commend her originality, on coming up with such a nugget of wisdom, its been around for ever and most regularly found on pro-ana and 'mia' websites. I'm all for the freedom of speech, and I don't necessarily agree with the train of thought where a 'celebrity' should tread carefully or be squeaky clean to be a role model. To either adults OR children because no ones perfect and real life isn't that disney-fied. Kate Moss can say anything she wants. She could read Baudelaire backwards and shed still have the intelligence of a house brick. I don't want to get into the whole issue of media, children's youth being whittled down day by day (its disgusting enough and it spells doom) or what is right and wrong in the grand scheme of morality. The company makes the shirts, in children's sizes. Its disgusting, its out there, its happening. I cant change that.
Note in the last thumbnail, the girl is holding a stuffed toy...
The slogan itself used to be MY mantra, as ridiculous as it is. A good while back now I suffered with, at first bulimia, and then when throwing up became a chore I went down the anorexia route. I wont get into the whys and wherefores but it happened and its a hard thing to shake off. Even now I hate to look 'fat' or eat too much or be, in my mind, overweight. And yeah, when I woke up each day and weighed myself and I was thinner and lighter, it did have a drug like quality and it was an achievement!
By nature, I'm quite self critical and self deprecating and I think Ive carried that from being bullied and verbally abused from primary school to present day (what is it about people that makes them think they can comment on/at you out in public? I still don't get it. Unsatisfied with their own lives? Just naturally inbred and unintelligent? who knows!) and I think its a defence mechanism where if I say or think it first then Ive just burst your bubble, Ive beaten you to it. Through being like that I'd say I was pretty lame at the whole rexia thing. Even now I think I could of been thinner, I could of worked harder at it. But its tiring and its soul destroying and theres alot of thinking and theory behind it that doesn't need to be online for everyone to read. How I stopped being like that I don't know. I think even stopping it, or allowing myself to eat more was probably another aspect of self sabotage.
When i was having a 'fat day'. I am of course, taking the piss.
But as is the general rule, out of darkness comes light, from bad comes good and as most artists know, terrible things can be the starting point for great art. And while I don't proclaim the following is good art by any means, as it was never imagined, or intended to be art, the following is all i got from that dirty and dark time.
